I’ve always tried to fit into society’s box of expectations. It is one of paradoxes and contradictions.

You’d think these contradictions would fill the box that there wouldn’t be room for a single person, but ironically when you make yourself small enough you end up fitting in the box.

Then there was my box of expectations and contradictions of how I thought I should be. I made myself even smaller to fit into my box.

Then Life came along and gave me experiences. While each one taught me something and brought growth, I managed to stay small enough to fit into my designated boxes. Society was happy and I felt like I was staying safe and good by doing the right thing.

I stayed on this track for a long time.

Then by late adolescence, experiences came around that not only brought growth but stretched me. These experiences forced my boxes to crack and pushed me to begin to burst at the seams.

I clung to my boxes, afraid that if I didn’t stay in them I might not be good, or be doing the right thing, or that someone could find fault in me for stepping out of line.

Then I found myself reevaluating my boxes. I realized how long I had made myself small. I asked myself “Did I choose this life, this way of being? Or did it choose me?” I think it chose me but who was I to be changing the patterns now. I continued on with my boxes.

As Life kept going, society’s box, which I tried to fit into, became ripped and shredded. I couldn’t keep it. Although I held on to my other box, the one with my own expectations. The two boxes morphed into one box. Though I was down to one box, I continued to carry out society’s structured ways and contradicting ideas while maintaining strict expectations for myself. Who could tell where one ended, and the other began?

I continued to grow and with that came much wrestling. Life kept bringing me experiences and every once in a while, one experience would come along that would stretch me so far, I thought I might break.

Concealing my emotions, upholding standards, meeting exact expectations, and maintaining a sense of decorum that didn’t show too much personality became harder to keep.

Now, every year I find myself feeling more challenged. Each year I find Life stretches me to the point of bursting. Though I conceal as much as I can. I’m losing my box. It’s getting harder by the day to stay small.

I know I’ve been invited, urged even, to expand.

“Let yourself burst wide open! Be open.” Life seems to say.

Flowers bloom unapologetically all the time. They let themselves expand every day. Given the right nourishment and embracing their supply, the flower stretches and grows with grace and deep beauty. They allow themselves to expand as wide as possible.

Flowers are in alignment with Life’s call and from a tight bud to a brightly bloomed flower they open unafraid.

So why can’t I?  Would it be so bad to completely open?

Free yourself from your preconceived expectations that have kept you caged in smallness!

You were meant to bloom like the flowers.

Can we evolve?

Will we ever evolve?

Evolution requires that we put our fears in a holding place and step into courage.

To evolve we must move towards a vast feeling of vulnerability.

Much will need to be left behind and much will be unknown while we move in the direction of our evolution.

Vulnerability will feel like an empty expansion inside us that we won’t want to face. It won’t be easy to embrace this.

The vulnerability of change, opening up, expressing oneself, unpopular viewpoints, trying new things, all that comes with being a feeling and thinking creature is often met with trepidation.  

However, the vulnerability that leads to one’s evolution and the betterment of mankind should not be as frightening as staying stuck in old patterns of thought and violent acts against the self that end up dripping into society, and in time sneakily polluting the Earth.

Evolution can only progress in proportion to one’s willingness to be vulnerable.

Fearing vulnerability in any form or in any capacity will stifle one’s ability to profoundly evolve.

 Can we evolve? Will we ever evolve?

As the calendar changes from summer months to autumn months, people begin to use the phrase, “‘Tis the season”.

This could mean the holiday season is approaching. It also means it’s that time of year for things like “the sniffles” or the common cold etc.

However, I say there’s something more important that comes this time of year. ‘Tis the season to be challenged.

As the young ones go back to school and are invited to grow there through the challenges they face.

Adults, too, are invited to grow through the various challenges that arise in their lives.

It is when things become difficult that we grow the most. While we may not be fond of difficulties, they can be good in the end. For in the end, as we overcome a challenge, or complete a difficult task we may feel a sense of pride, victory even, that we came through it and were not defeated.

In fact, from such a difficult time we might have acquired new skills, or gained a new perspective, or strengthened something that was not as strong before the challenge.

This is the growth that comes from hard times. It is profound growth.

The moments we feel pushed out of our comfort zone force us to ground ourselves, move through the issue and towards a better version of ourselves that cannot be undone.

‘Tis the season to be challenged. This season will last through the year. It is a continuous season.

Try not to avoid what arises. Avoiding what comes up will increase the difficulty and delay the victory.

Go through the challenges and know that something good is on the other side.

When I was younger, I had an instinct to blend in.

Sometimes the instinct was more than just blending in, but instead to become invisible.

I don’t know where that came from, but it set in quickly. I was scared of a lot. Mostly though I was scared of outside reactions.

Everything that happened outside of my control scared me. I was deeply worried about outside responses to my very existence. The world outside my limited control was wildly unpredictable. I startled easily it seemed.

It felt safe to blend in, be invisible, to do exactly as I was told and then my presence might be satisfying to others.

Although inside nothing felt quite right. There was no peace and fear grew within me.

I was hurting.

Soon I realized that no matter how hard you might try to be pleasing to all you meet and to be perfect for them. Someone won’t be pleased.

No matter how hard you might try to keep everyone from being upset. There will always be someone who’s upset.

Blending in or trying to be invisible does more harm than good.

So why not let yourself exist and learn to embrace your wholeness?

Nothing happens exactly the way I want it to.

When I’d like quiet, there’s usually some kind of noise that feels disruptive.

When I’d like privacy, there’s usually people nearby that make me feel exposed.  

Nothing happens exactly the way I hope it does.

When there’s a big change that I don’t feel ready for, the timing is such that I must jump. No time to think about it. There’s no way to feel ready. You just have to go for it.

When I feel ready for something new, the resources and timing force me to stay where I am. Sometimes it feels like being stuck in boring responsibility unable to have any fun. However, after some time I realize it is an opportunity to practice wisdom and discipline.

Nothing happens exactly as I’d like it to happen. However, that’s okay because I do get the things I’d like even though it’s not a perfect replicated picture.

I’m always where I need to be and the timing ends up being what I need. There’s always some quiet. There’s always a little privacy. There are enough resources to make things work where I happen to be.

 It’s not always perfectly comfortable and it doesn’t always feel smooth, but that’s good because growth happens there.