I’ve been alive…I’ve gone through motions of what is considered living. Though I have not lived.

I’ve often been frustrated and very depressed by this notion of not truly living. I have felt as though I have not had a life. I have felt this way for many years.

Others share that they got a job, or are having another child, or that they are engaged, getting married, or bought a house. Some share that someone helped them pay off their student debt, or that they got a dog, or are celebrating six years at the same company. And I can’t help but feel that I’m doing everything wrong, or not doing something I should be, or my existence is just wrong, and that I have no life.

But somehow, I’m living… I mean I am alive after all. Therefore, my existence must count for something? So, I may not have the life I wanted to be living but I have a life.

This nomadic path I’ve been riding the last eight years was something I did not choose. It just happened. I have often been angry with my existence. And frustrated by how rocky and isolating and out of my control the last several years have felt as a homebody-turned-nomad.

As years have gone by and much of my accomplishments have felt sporadic and uneventful. The anger grew with the passing years. My heart had sunk to the pit of my stomach long ago and my soul has no flame left. Only an occasional spark that has died out often.

Though this road has felt rough and it’s often not been what I thought I wanted. There has been a Quiet Presence protecting me. I have fought with this Quiet Presence daily. I have often felt too challenged to hear it, as it has seemed too quiet for my liking.

One day in the face of what felt like another defeat, I surrendered. Depleted, I dropped my frustration. Sadness was welling up too. Though it quickly turned to that of wonder. Curiosity arose. Realizations of life lessons began to come out of the woodwork. Then the idea of home came to mind.

How long must I beg, plead, scrape, claw and ache for home? I thought, I want a home that can be all mine. A place that I can make all my own, and I won’t have to share it with anyone? It’ll just be my space. How long must I wait for that?

It was quiet for a long time.

In the quiet, I considered the lessons I’ve learned and the growth that has come only from uncomfortable moments. I realized the growth that is continuing and how each uncomfortable moment pushes me forward, whether I have chosen to be there or not.

Then a still, small voice said, “What if…” I held my breath as this small voice revealed itself like the warm breeze, “what if all of this is about learning to feel at home in yourself? Nothing you desire is really going to feel that great if you don’t feel at home in yourself first, right? This journey is all about coming home. Keep going.”

So here I am. Though my heart may be sunk at the moment, my soul unable to keep the fire burning and the rocks still under my feet, I sojourn on this path.

I must trust that the Quiet Presence that has protected me all this time will continue to guide me, no matter where I end up. Feelings may come but it is part of the ride. It’s all about coming home. It’s all about feeling at home in my own skin.

We are all on our own paths learning to be at home in our own skin. No conditions should be made. Only love in. Only gratitude for each breath. Only living in each moment. Just keep going…

The culture of bigger, better, faster, stronger is often overwhelming. It feels all consuming.

I forget I know myself. I forget very easily.

One suggestion from someone of how I could raise the bar or elevate an aspect of my life makes me disregard what I have done already.

Existing feels like it’s not enough. Being feels pointless. Simplicity feels weak, as though I’m not living enough.

And so, I strive to do more and perhaps by doing more I will be more. Then my existence might count for something to someone.

“Get your master’s degree” I’ve often thought.

Then someone would suggest grad school and I’d feel like the thought could no longer just be a thought.

I spent six months after I graduated from college degrading myself and bashing my degree. “You didn’t earn it” said my inner critic, “you’re not good enough to have a college degree. You didn’t do enough”.

For six months I did battle with myself. Then one day, I realized that I did the same thing when I graduated high school.  I felt I wasn’t good enough, and I didn’t do enough to have graduated.

There I was with a high school diploma and a bachelor’s degree. Some might say I am well educated. Some might not have made it through high school. Some might not have been able to go to college. I am lucky and privileged.

When I put aside my self-criticism and when I quiet the noise of others’ opinions, I can see that I worked hard in those moments. As a student I did what I could each moment to pass my classes. Passing each class each year moved me to the next grade level. That was not for nothing. It was not magic. Nor was it a fluke.

So, what if you take what you’ve done already as a sign that you are already credible, valuable, worthy?

Can you step into your next chapter knowing a simple life is exquisite? Can you let yourself be? Just be.

Advance into each moment knowing that being you is the point, a simple life is not without vibrancy, depth or meaning, and your existence is more than enough. Let that be enough.

I have long been an admirer of tigers. Their eye-catching orange and black striped fur was the first thing to pique my interest.

As a theatre student in college, we were asked to study and then embody an animal of our choosing. Once I began learning about tigers, I realized there was much more to them than their outer beauty. This made them more alluring and more meaningful to me.

Tigers are naturally wild. They are untamed creatures. The female tiger’s survival instincts are more powerful than their male counterpart. Male tigers are responsible for procreation and keeping the species populated. Though they are not interested in much else. Female tigers are responsible for having the children, being full-time parents once they arrive and protecting both herself and her cubs.

No one takes care of her. She must find her own food, get water when needed, and provide for her babies too. She does not need a rescuer. She is alert but poised. She keeps her composure. She is fiercely independent and deeply in tune with her intuition. She is present.

As an individual the tiger does not require anyone to think for her. She does not get sucked into a crowd. She responds to each moment in the moment with a powerful calm. This can be intimidating to the outside observer. She might come off as regal and a little scary. She appears this way because she is present. She is grounded in the moment and in herself. The tiger does not try to make this happen. There’s no performance. She simply is living into her own Knowing.

As a theatre student, I wanted desperately to be beautiful, elegant and powerful like the tiger. Though, I never felt like I could connect to such a stunning creature. I could not embody the tiger. I found this frustrating.   

In recent years, I have realized why I wasn’t quite connecting to the tiger.

I learned how fall in line from a very young age. I did not think that much for myself. I observed what others were doing. I saw what was considered acceptable behavior and I acted in such a way to keep the peace based on the expectations of others.

I clung to this role. I played my part, like ants do. Ants are working insects. They fall in line with their group. They do as is expected. Ants never question authority. They work tirelessly and are continuously productive. Though, it is all for someone else. What they lack in innovation, they make up for with their teamwork, almost mob mentality and work ethic.

I have been like an ant all my life. I did all I could to fit in. I cared more about being approved by family, accepted by friends and desperately wanted to be liked by anyone that had a pulse. So, I sacrificed my authenticity for connection. I did everything I could to stick to the status quo. Trying to live a linear existence seemed to be the only thing I could do because everyone else was doing it. It just seemed to be the right thing to do.

Meanwhile, my soul was severed and losing its vitality every day. I’d imagine a life that felt more truthful. Though it did not feel attainable. I begged for a life that was more beautiful than the one I was convinced I must live. I wanted to be like the tiger, but I felt too weak to be like the tiger.

I have yet to fully embody my inner tiger. However, as I feel into what resonates with me and I pay more attention to what works for me in each moment then I can live into my inner Knowing. This is a constant practice that is just beginning. The more I embrace my own presence, the more I will be able to feel grounded in my decisions and connected with myself. Inner authenticity is more important to me now than outside acceptance.

While the tiger takes care of herself, she does not abandon her children. Similarly, while I learn to take care of myself, I will not abandon my heart and soul. While the tiger may experience challenges being out in the wild, she remains grounded in presence and authenticity. Similarly, while I may face challenges, my daily work will be to remain grounded in presence and authenticity.

This will not be easy. Though, it has not been easy to live a linear existence that has drained the soul of its vitality. Choose your hard. Nothing is easy, but that does not mean that truth and beauty must be lost. So, sacrifice all that does not serve you, and strive daily to fully embrace your inner tiger. Soon the soul will reach its full vitality, and life will never lack truthfulness, nor will it stray from the beauty that you desire.  

The human race seems to be in a state of analysis paralysis.

Everyone is trying to mentally solution everything out in their favor and then clean it up, tying everything in a neat bow.

Sometimes that works. Although, usually, the Universe has other plans.

When it feels like things have exploded in our faces, we go into a panic. Our perfect linear structure we thought would work for us (and would possibly please others) is not working out for us anymore. We get scared that we are failing, that we are not meeting the expectations of others and that we are not doing the right thing. Therefore, the mess feels bad.

But what if the mess is actually good? What if the Universe blowing things up is not so much a nuclear bomb, but more like a supernova, where new stars are born?

What may feel like a destructive moment is actually a rebirth, clearing the way for new beauty, opportunities, progress and joy.

The mental gymnastics can only go so far. As much as human society convinces us that we must live in contained boxes, and that our lives must be linear, the mind can only process so much in one certain way for so long before it short circuits. The exhaustive mode of analysis only paralyzes the mind and then freezes progress.

The Universe knows better. The Universe knows that one cannot grow in linear ways and that the heart and soul cannot thrive in tight boxes.

The birth of a child, starting a new creative project, or embarking in an entrepreneurial pursuit is never a clean process. Somehow it ends up being more beautiful than anything linear and more goodness comes from that than we ever thought possible. And why? Because the Universe made way for the heart and soul to thrive.

So, let the explosion happen. Tell the mind it’s safe because this is a beautiful supernova. And therefore, it is an opportunity for the heart and soul to finally take the lead.

I’m not the person I want to be.

I have not been in very many spaces where I have felt safe and fulfilled enough to let myself expand. I’ve gained skills through hard work and training, but still, I am not in a space where my soul feels able to grow in its natural talents.

To use my talents would allow my soul the chance to exhale unapologetically and openly bring the most amount of good I can give to the world, as it will not only contribute to the cause of corporate/societal productivity but for a deeper cause.

To use my talents would allow me to serve the world for the betterment of the human race, in the spirit of uplifting society and the hearts of humanity. By doing this work, the work that comes most naturally to me and that which I love the most, I will be able to bring the best version of myself to the world.

I dream of a moment in time where this may be possible. I dream of this connected life where my soul finally aligns with my heart, mind and body. But for now, I must work.

Growth has been inevitable, but my talents only get exercised in private. My soul stays tucked away. My body remains in survival mode while my heart and mind continue their lifelong battle with each other and their exhaustive quest for inner peace.

The blank page offers a gentle refuge for some much-needed rest from these uncomfortable environments and from the inner turmoil of this ongoing crusade.

Here is where my soul quietly exhales. Quietly, for now.

For now, she must use the blank page in private, allowing her creative talents to flourish only in secret, until the world opens up and is ready for her creative gifts. And perhaps she herself is not quite ready to believe in her own brilliance.

So, what needs to change before her soul can emerge, the environment or herself? Two things can be true at once. The environment may not be working for her, and she may have some growing to do too.

I’m not the person I want to be, yet. Nor am I living a life where my soul feels connected and where it can thrive, yet. This is all part of the building process on the journey of becoming.

I am becoming. I look forward to building a life that is aligned and connected with who I am becoming.