What if what made you happy could be enough? Could it be enough?

What if what you love to do could be enough? Could it be enough?

Could you be enough if all you did in your life were the things that you naturally loved and that make you happy?

Must there always be conditions for one to feel their whole existence is worth the air they breathe? Must the space one takes up always be monetized before they can confidently show their talents and freely breathe into a fully lived existence?

It is too hard to live in such a competitive world that demands product over process every day. I cannot live and make a living at the same time. I cannot be my whole self while working daily only for the money, and the potential security that money may bring to me.

I want to breathe easily knowing I can express and allow my full potential to be what it is, out there, spread out for all to see, heart happy, soul alive, freely whole, being who I was made to be.

I know that would be beautiful! I’ve imagined a thousand times how amazing that would feel and how wonderful that could be.

But society was originally built for industry, and people are creatures of habit. When a group of people become familiar and comfortable with a set of systems, and a way of living it is not easy to make a change. Nor is it easy to go against the grain. Making a change, even for oneself, seems to upset the order of every system invented for mass productivity and comfort.

Therefore, it seemed the only choice I had for sustainable living was to follow the order of things and try to work within the systems already in place. It seemed all that mattered was the money for basic survival.

Unfortunately, this has left my heart in a constant state of discouragement, and my soul has been left utterly depleted. My mind became bitter and my body was forgotten.

“Am I enough? Who am I?”, the cells in my body constantly hummed.

This vibrated through me each time I needed to step out into the world and tried to fit the mold.

“Who am I?”

Each year I learned a little more of what I’m not. I learn a little more of what doesn’t work for me. But “who am I” would remain in the background unanswered.

“Am I enough?”, rattled on the back burner, longing to be brought into view, and burning to turn into a resounding full sentence, a complete question and answer that could beam with confidence.

“Who am I? I am enough.”

My heart and soul may have to hold on a little longer before this can become a true feeling and a pure reality. I’ll get there one day. We’ll get to this fully aligned and fully alive place one day, even if the world remains on edge, rough, clinging to its old systems.

I’m going to build myself up one cell at a time. Life can be what I make it one moment at a time. And yes, that can be enough; for me.

The ego is like a misbehaving child and a disgusted teenager at the same time.

Some days it giddily whispers insults in your ear. Other days it keeps you in bed, as it declares loudly all the ways you suck and lists all the reasons why your very existence is a disgrace to the world.

The ego turns up the volume on anxiety, depression, blame, distrust, envy, fear, gluttony, resentment, vanity, lust, anger, superiority, inferiority, and everything else in between.

The ego will always be present in each of us.

The key is to recognize your ego, be aware of the behaviors that come up in you from the ego and then don’t let it drive.

The ego is not mature enough to be driving all the time. You must kick the ego out of the driver’s seat and put it in the back seat where it belongs.

The problem in this world is that many, in fact most people, don’t recognize their ego. Therefore, the ego is always driving and getting in the way of our evolution.

There can’t be any improvement, personally, professionally, or globally, if the ego remains in the driver’s seat. This is why we live in such a reactive time and why the world always feels a little bit broken.

We unknowingly destroy ourselves and others when we let the ego drive. You must pay attention to your ego and become aware of the signs that it’s driving you.

The less time the ego spends in the driver’s seat, the more likely that personal, professional, and global healing can take place.

It starts with you. It starts with awareness.

Stay aware. Stay awake. Stay alive, and the world will follow suit.

This approach will heal all who embrace it with their whole heart, with a clear mind, and a steady body that is ready to be a grounding presence.

This is an ongoing process, not a one-time product upgrade. Embrace it or don’t embrace it. No matter what you choose there will be unavoidable risks involved.

So, what will it be? Click it or ticket? Driving or drinking? The soul or the ego?

We all fall into our ego. Sometimes we get lost in it.

But we cannot let ourselves sink in the convoluted ego. We cannot let ourselves sink for any reason. No matter if there is an issue of inferiority or superiority. Neither one is indicative of our worth. And neither one allows for a full and healthy representation of who we are. Therefore, neither one allows us to contribute fully to mankind as the Universe intended us to.

Our purpose is presence. Nothing more, nothing less.

What we do with our presence on Earth is a bonus of being present. A bonus of being alive in presence.

The world will have us believe “you are what you achieve”. The world will convince us “you are what you have”.

Does that ever satisfy the human soul? Never.

So, what if instead we rejoice in the simple beauty of existence? And the practice of “you are who you are”. And delight in simply being.

That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

It’s not forbidden fruit. Reach out and taste it. Delicious life on repeat as long as you choose it.

Through every moment, regardless of how it’s shaded. Choose presence, choose simplicity, choose life. It is a choice every single day.

Remember what she has done for you.

Remember what she has given you, rather than what she hasn’t given you.

She is a good lady.

She is not perfect. Still, she is good.

She protected you, though it may not have felt like protection in the moment. She is protective.

She has done so much. She gave all she could.

That can be enough.

Now, though you don’t feel ready, or well qualified to parent yourself. This is the moment.

It may feel like a leap. It may feel like you don’t know yourself well enough to live life with confidence. But you know yourself well enough from the experience you’ve lived so far.

That can be enough.

The confidence and feeling of agency will come when you detach from what didn’t happen. When you feel grateful for what has happened. And move towards life as you are learning what your heart wants, while keeping the mind clear, and the soul engaged with that of “yes, and…” as you simultaneously stay in your body.

This is the journey of becoming a phenomenal woman. And this is the mission for continued growth in the human experience. The continuation and deepening of growth depend upon accepting the mission and how much we put into the mission.

This is a mission that will not be completed. There’s no end point, no deadline, no final result. It is a constant software update.

Don’t let yours end up stalling or freezing. You want the upgrade. It comes in baby steps.

She had her journey. You must accept the mission and embrace your own journey.

Maybe it’s okay that I will never truly know what another feels for me, how they see our relationship or what they think of me?

Maybe it’s okay to not know these things on a daily basis?

Maybe this not knowing is a gift?

I would often worry that the distance between me and another meant there would always be a dramatic shift in the relationship.

There always felt like there would be a reason, even something as simple as the others location, for someone to lose interest in me and leave.

I never felt substantial enough to hold a person’s attention.

The silences between text messages would raise anxiety. This made the physical distance feel greater.

There was always a feeling of distance between me and another person. Even when I was with others something about me didn’t feel like it could connect to the others.

No close connections. Nothing that really clicked, a constant feeling that friends, family, any relationship always had a reason to fade away.

Connection with others was all I cared about.

How to achieve this lasting connection?

Society convincingly said without so much as a word: Impress them. Make them feel in awe of you. Beguile them.

How to do this?

Authenticity doesn’t seem to be allowed and I’m no good at it anyway. Charming and vivacious are not my strong suits either.

Writing and whatever talent I have there never felt like enough to do the job.

Simplicity, natural beauty, empathy, and naive creativity seemed to not hold its own.

In a world full of bright primary colors and dazzling neon, I did not fit.

Pastel colors do not measure up to that of the royal blues, the vibrant yellows, the hot oranges, and exotic greens. Even that of the eccentric purples and the bubbly pinks take precedent over any pastel color.

I felt I had to work to be seen and always do something to maintain and lessen the distance between loved ones that were so far away.

But if they are truly loved ones the distance shouldn’t dictate anything.

The silence between text messages shouldn’t indicate that of a relationship that is going South.

If there is truly love between two people then love is loyal, honest and lasting.

People are like seasons. Always changing and hopefully always learning too.

Love that is loyal is flexible with this change.

So I may never know the perspective one has of me but perhaps that’s okay.

Maybe this not knowing is a gift because at least I have experienced loyal love in my life.

Maybe I should trust this loyalty.

I know now I never had to be anything more than what naturally was me at the time.

As we’ve grown, love seems to continue, even if it doesn’t feel the same or the silences between text messages seem to grow longer.

Maybe this not knowing what another feels for me, how they see our relationship, or what they think of me can be a gift because I can finally let myself sink into my becoming.

I can let myself connect to the one I’ve continued to run from.

I can now use this not knowing of what’s going on outside and go inside.

This is a place I should have invested in a long time ago. It is a place that has always scared me because it has been so foreign to me for so long. All I ever wanted to do was understand the outside. From this lifelong quest, I have abandoned and sacrificed the one person that carries me through this life.

After nearly three decades, her soul and her joy have been waiting patiently to rise. I must allow this, removing all past hostility, and transition to creating a gentle, kind, and peaceful atmosphere for all good to spread out and exhale for the first time deep within a soul that has waited to exhale too.

So, I will take this not knowing, and the mysteries of the outside world as a gift, as I go deep inside.

Hopefully, loyal love will be there as I emerge periodically from this new lifelong quest, but it will no longer be my lifeline. It will simply be a bonus of what I shall work to create inside.