Social media isn’t interesting anymore…

It was not that interesting to begin with, but it had an appeal.

It was enticing. It was new at one point.

 It could make one feel connected to their loved ones.

Instant dopamine hit.

Social media is a void. Though not the black and dark kind of void.

Social media is a white hot void. It can seem attractive and cold at the same time.

Instant overstimulation.

It’s deceiving and dangerously alluring.

Upon logging in and opening any social media platform, one may not think they are going to be very long in these apps. It will just be a moment of checking messages, or notifications and connecting with friends. There may be a feeling that inspiration will be gained while scrolling through other’s posts.  

Then before you know it, hours have gone by. Little to no inspiration was acquired besides maybe a slight bit of dopamine, and there is very little feeling of connection to anyone as you look through everyone’s’ posts.

Instead, there’s an odd feeling of loss. A kind of melancholy washes over as you look at a series of wedding photos, followed by a new job post, pregnancy announcements, celebratory posts of children reaching several months of age with cute pictures of the baby on a decorative mat, followed by a post grieving a pet that’s passed away, or someone’s relative that’s passed, followed by an engagement photo and a sappy caption, and another series of wedding photos, and on and on it goes…

Finally, you log off. You exit the platform. You may sit for a moment and notice a tree outside, or the rain. You may hear your dog bark or your neighbor upstairs. It brings you back to reality.

Though there’s that melancholy you were feeling. Why does that still linger though you’ve removed yourself from social media?

Physically, you may have turned it off, but your mind is still playing what you saw. And your heart is busy yearning for that fully lived life that you witnessed in the last two hours. You compare what you feel you have in reality to what seemed to be vibrant and exciting online.

It is easy to forget that what is shared on social media is not a fully lived life. It is not even one life. A post is just one moment in time. It is only a sliver of one’s truly lived experience.

To have a fully lived, vibrant and exciting life one must be present in their current, moment-to-moment reality. One must stay focused in the non-virtual, mundane and ever evolving experiences of their present existence.

How painful and challenging this seems to be. It was probably always painful and challenging, but it has become more so now as we often subconsciously compare ourselves and our lives to what we see on social media as it flashes before us at lightning speed.

Dissociating feels easier than staying in what’s really happening in each moment. Reality can often feel mundane and therefore painful, especially after spending all our time virtually living vicariously through a swarm of photos and captions of other people’s experiences.

Do you want to live through other’s experiences or build your own life, living that which you create to the fullest?

Do you want to swoon over a virtual picture of who someone may be or become a person you can tangibly feel proud of?

Both options take energy, and time. Both options are hard in their own way.

Only one option will give you lasting joy and a sustainable sense of self.

Why waste your time chasing anything else but that?

I have spent many years wondering if people like me.

I’ve wondered and often ached for them to approve of me and the choices I make. I have used up lots of energy and killed lots of time hoping that family and friends love me as deeply as I would like them to, every moment that I need them to.

To achieve this constant and deep type of love, I would survey the relationship.

I’d ask many questions and give extreme scenarios to understand how important my existence was to them. However, I was also living and being in a way I thought was most pleasing to the other, rather than what felt authentic and fulfilling to me.

I was just going through the motions for everyone and trying to stay out of trouble. I stayed out of physical trouble.

Somehow though I managed to get into trouble in other ways. I challenged everyone’s emotions and their feelings about me. This was exasperating to others.

I felt angry and sad, emotionally hungry and desperate.

What did I want?

Validation perhaps. Deep conversation maybe. To be rescued and saved? I don’t know. Maybe. To be deeply understood and completely known? Possibly.

The problem with all of this and perhaps why none of the surveying made me happy was because it was all for someone else. I was seeking someone else’s understanding, validation, love, saving, and perspective of me. Though I didn’t even know myself.

How could I have gotten to know myself through the eyes of someone else?

 I was a blank canvas, and I kept asking the world around me to paint for me. No one was ever able to paint the whole canvas for me.

There were always blank spots. I kept trying to get others to fill those blank spots. Asking constantly, in many ways, “who am I? What am I? Where am I? When am I? Why am I? How am I?”

By asking the outside world these questions and eagerly trying to have others fill the blank spots for me, I was running from the very thing I wanted to be, and do, and needed most. Myself.

Though I didn’t believe myself and I didn’t like myself. Hence the running.

As Glennon Doyle writes in her book Untamed, “Glennon, you are always so desperate to find yourself and ready to abandon yourself.”

I wanted nothing more than to be myself, but I abandoned myself because people mattered more to me than my own existence ever mattered to me.

I was always so desperate to find myself and ready to abandon myself. So, I stayed angry and sad, emotionally hungry, and desperate. There have always been blank spots on my canvas.

Maybe it’s time to get a new canvas and finally become my own painter?

I think that’s the best option, and my only option.

For if I don’t become my own painter, I’ll remain desperate and become guilt-ridden, and obsessive like Lady Macbeth, shouting to myself, “Out, damned spot; out, I say!” for the rest of my natural life while I keep trying to get others to fill the blank spots.

How sad? What a waste of energy? Don’t keep wasting your life away.

It’s time to pick up the brush.

Just think, how exciting! You get to use whatever damn color you want. And the only person’s opinion, validation, approval, and perspective that matters in this process, is yours.

The thing about healing is that the amount of healing is dependent on how one proceeds and participates in the healing process.

If one wants to experience the most amount of healing one must go through the discomfort to get to the light and experience the victory on the other side.

There is no way around it.

If you want to progress and ultimately heal from the challenges you face, then you must do the work.

Face it. Confront the work head on.

The work requires going through that which is most uncomfortable to you.

You will feel the reward and the progress of healing as the process moves through.

Though, first, you must put in the work and ride through the discomfort.

That’s how it goes sometimes if you’d like to experience a change in your life, and have it stick.

No one can do this work for you, but many want to see you make it to the other side.

The important question to ask yourself would be. Do you want to be on the other side of this?

You have to want it.

You either lock in or you forfeit to the outside. Imagine what these choices will bring you.

What will life look like and feel like if you lock into the uncomfortable healing work versus forfeiting to please others, therefore abandoning yourself?

One option comes with temporary discomfort as you stretch and grow out of that which does not serve you and in return you get a life that sparkles and reflects your glow.

The other option will force you to abandon yourself, and the life you hope to build for the sake of others and thus you will forever be uncomfortable.

You want to sparkle like a Christmas tree? Then you must lock into the work of building a solid foundation in yourself. Then let the tree grow and hold on for the ride.

There’s no way around the ride. Either way, it will be a ride you have to hold on for.

As a child, navigating the world as the oldest in my family, I always felt lost in the wilderness.

I was a wandering little person, who would occasionally get guidance from the adults in the room. Although, it was all opinionated guidance, based on what worked for that person, or a system that was previously established.

My individuality wasn’t really considered. Especially in school. So, I remained in a state of feeling lost, wandering in a vast and darkened wilderness.

As I grew, I noticed that people, the so-called adults, were all essentially children feeling lost in the wilderness of the world.

The older I became, the clearer I saw the aching, wandering child that lives lost in all of us.

Somehow, we were expected to take all the complexities of life that were thrown at us and carry that weight unfazed. This eventually caught up to us.

Or perhaps we, on our own, we over-complicated things because we were scared, anxious, confused and didn’t know how to sift through that which was been repeatedly thrown at us.

We may be grown, but our young hearts and young minds remain lost, disconnected from our beings and authentic nature.

We were expected, at an early age, to take on one responsibility followed by another without time to connect to our truth or process any of it. As we were just finding our feet and figuring out how to balance ourselves, as well as plant our feet on the ground. The world asked us to hold philosophies, opinions, to understand politics and religions, navigate family systems, and recite mathematical equations. We were asked to pick sides, theories, and modes of operation before we ever felt solid and sturdy in our own beings.

Therefore, we remain in the wilderness.

Though as we grew, we were clever, cunning, and obedient. We did as we were told. We did as we observed was pleasing to those around us. We chose theories, perspectives, and formed opinions. We created a facade and wore a mask that fooled the world (and ourselves) into believing that we were fully formed, competent, and functional members of society.

Unfortunately, this only pushed us farther into the wilderness, out in the dark feeling alone. We became tragically disconnected from ourselves.

Our souls remain aimless and our world is stuck paying for all of it. The world is too vast and too far gone in its old systems to unlearn all that does not serve humanity.

It is up to the citizens of the world to heal. We must reconnect to and embrace our individuality. It is up to us to unlearn all that does not serve our individuality.

We may always feel scared and vulnerable.

Feel it all.

Stay present in the process of the existence of your healing journey. For you are walking out of the wilderness.

Keep walking.

Each step awakens your heart, frees your mind, and directs your soul.

You become more alive in your true essence the longer you walk this illuminated path.

This is why we are here.

Keep walking. The world will adjust.

When I was younger, the idea of putting down roots made sense. It seemed logical and simple.

Now after many years of moving from one job to the next, from one house to room to house and to room. I’m not sure how to put down roots.

There are roots in me that want to be planted. Due to previous circumstances my roots have been up in the air and out of the ground. This has been the case for a long while.

Roots are meant to be planted, grounded. It is hard to tell if the issue is mine or something outside that prevents me from planting and grounding my roots. It’s hard to know the source of the issue when not much has been grounded for a while.

If there is a Higher Power, I ask that She put on Her gardening attire and plant me where I’m needed.

Dear Great Gardener,

Please allow me to put down roots. Only you know the best place for me to grow and thrive. My roots are thirsty and tired. They are ready to be grounded and soak up all the rich soil that they are meant to be in. Plant me where I’m needed. Plant me where I can thrive among a garden of sprouting colors and lovely skies.

Sincerely yours,

One little sapling among many