Fear, embarrassment, shame, and anger. These are all parts of the ego.
Blue, gray, black, and red. Imagine these colors together. If they look pretty to you then darken the shade. Dark blue, grey like a storm cloud, the blackest of black, and red as blaring break light. This is the mix of ego. It’s ugly and obtrusive.
The grayness of fear will wash over us. We get stuck in our minds. We don’t feel like talking. We feel our bodies get tense. We don’t know if we should do one thing or something else. We struggle to make choices. We get stuck on little things like, “Am I a good enough parent?” Or “Am I getting enough exercise?” “Do I get enough fiber in my diet?” Or “After 10 years of marriage does he still think I’m attractive?” Our minds spin on this hamster wheel. We get tense. We get so tense that we make mistakes. Fear builds into a big storm cloud.
Dark blue embarrassment begins to penetrate our hearts like hail. We sink into it. The storm quickly grows as we sink. We try to cover it up and pretend that we are not feeling these things, but it is too strong. Our hearts drop below sea level.
The blackness of shame takes hold. We forget who we are, at our core, and what we love to do. We forget who everyone else is at their core. We fall deeper into the stories our minds make up thus allowing ourselves to be swept away by the storm. “I must not be a good parent because my child talks back to me.” “I’m not the daughter my parents want.” “I can’t do anything right.” “I’m not good enough for him.” “I don’t deserve her love.” “This job is too hard. I should just quit.”
Fear fuels the storm. Embarrassment darkens it and shame sends us further into the dark.
Then the redness of anger creates the final blow to bring the storm into a raging mess. Something, often very subtle, triggers our embarrassment turned shame stories that were derived from fear thus igniting our anger. We yell and scream. We blame others and throw insults. We may get violent and lose control of our already tense bodies. We throw things, and break stuff. We smash, and slam things. We grid our teeth, and feel as hot as a burning fire.
The storm howls, and destroys a great deal in its path. While it can be loud and hurtful it is also sly. It is subtle like a virus. Our insecurities build inside us until we lose control of our good nature. We forget our essence, our core.
Please be aware of the storm of your ego. Ego will continue to hurt, burn, bite, sting, swarm, rage, tip-toe, whisper, yell, slam, snap, scold, complain, sneak, and creep if you do not spend time focusing on bettering yourself so that you can be an asset to the world.
Do the deep, inner work to maintain your ego. This work does not require sending out a PSA of any kind. You do not need a badge. You do not need to prove anything to anyone. This work requires a soul commitment to yourself, the work, and to the Divine. It is silent work. It requires dedication to stillness and solitude each day. This will arrest your mind and keep it from sinking. This arrest will allow for clarity in thought. This clarity in thought will contribute to a lighter heart. This lighter heart will let the soul breathe. This is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and others. This is our main job. The payment will be great, and well worth the effort.
I am doing my dirty inner work. Always. Each day I find new ways to deepen this inner work and find greater peace. Sometimes it comes from unconscious ego, and old habits, but in my solitude I wake up. I regroup, and regain the work that I had already done. Then I move forward.
If we want to help others, our world, and make a difference we must start with the dirty inner work of awareness and grounding ourselves in all that we are at our core.
I see you. I hear you. I respect you. I love you. Now get to work.