Unlearning Blame

It is so easy to place blame and underestimate people because we don’t know what goes on in their head, or their heart. We operate from our own heads, and hearts, and what makes sense to us. So it is easy for us to say “It is hard to connect to her because she doesn’t support me”. We may feel alone due to this frustration, and perceived lack of support from the other, but if we step into the other’s shoes then we may find they have similar thoughts. We may find that they had been working very hard to support us and do all they could to make us feel loved and cared for without anything in return.

What we often mean, but don’t usually know that we mean is that “It is hard to connect to her because she doesn’t support me the way I want her to.” We want to be heard, seen, and loved, but we also want everything around us to be comfortable and just the way we like it. Life doesn’t work like that. It is actually a gift that life doesn’t bring total comfort all the time.

Think about it. If you had everything that you ever wanted, everything that made you comfortable, and people that acted just they way you wanted them to. What would that be like? Would you enjoy yourself for years to come? Would it be true, authentic joy that could last? Would you feel your relationships with people were fun and that they were worth spending time with? Maybe for a little bit. Maybe for a good few months you might enjoy it, but I imagine something would feel off, eventually.

To live in total comfort 24/7, for years would be strange. In my opinion, it would be silly to have someone operate, or act just the way you would want them to all of the time.

One reason is because they would no longer be who they are. They would not be a perfectly imperfect human being. They would be some kind of robotic servant that would cater to your every need and desire.

It would not make sense for anyone to contort themselves for your comfort all of the time, but there are many things in American society and in other societies around the world that ask people to be something, or hide something that is inauthentic for them to do for the sake of another person’s comfort.

The second reason that it would be silly, or not necessary for someone to act just the way you want for your comfort is that then you would not have a reason or opportunity to grow. You could just sit on your high horse and force others to sacrifice their needs for you. That is equally unfair for you and the other.

Kim McMillen in her poem As I Began writes, “As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it ‘Self- Confidence'”.

I have witnessed this kind of self-confidence. A person who expresses this kind of self-confidence is someone who simultaneously practices grounding themselves in self-love and has a good understanding of God, their True Source of Being. They use their understanding of their Source and the love they have for themselves in their daily life. They approach others with profound wisdom and heart because they are able to meet the other where they are. “Not my will, but Thine be done” is their internal motto. They know that they cannot change another, and that any frustration, annoyance, or sadness used to try to change someone would be a waste. It would be a waste of their energy and a waste of time for everyone involved.

I have yet to express and feel this same kind of self-confidence, but each day that I make an effort to embrace myself, to love God, practice gratitude and ground myself in self-improvement brings me closer to the pure self-confidence that I hope to embody.

American society has been wildly fast paced, obsessed with looks, and cramming as much as we can into the day to the point where we forget how to breathe, and how to be. This is the old, outdated, and exhausted society.

If we spent the same amount of energy it takes to live in the old, outdated society to live in ourselves, to take time to notice our motives, and to meet others where they are, then we would be closer to pure self-confidence. Blame, underestimation, and assumption of others would subside. Imagine how good you would feel? Think about how others would feel around you?

I hope to join you all in learning how to be. It is not easy. It will take A LOT of unlearning our old ways, but to blame others takes more energy. I want to use my time and energy as wisely as I can. Who’s with me?