Maybe it’s okay that I will never truly know what another feels for me, how they see our relationship or what they think of me?

Maybe it’s okay to not know these things on a daily basis?

Maybe this not knowing is a gift?

I would often worry that the distance between me and another meant there would always be a dramatic shift in the relationship.

There always felt like there would be a reason, even something as simple as the others location, for someone to lose interest in me and leave.

I never felt substantial enough to hold a person’s attention.

The silences between text messages would raise anxiety. This made the physical distance feel greater.

There was always a feeling of distance between me and another person. Even when I was with others something about me didn’t feel like it could connect to the others.

No close connections. Nothing that really clicked, a constant feeling that friends, family, any relationship always had a reason to fade away.

Connection with others was all I cared about.

How to achieve this lasting connection?

Society convincingly said without so much as a word: Impress them. Make them feel in awe of you. Beguile them.

How to do this?

Authenticity doesn’t seem to be allowed and I’m no good at it anyway. Charming and vivacious are not my strong suits either.

Writing and whatever talent I have there never felt like enough to do the job.

Simplicity, natural beauty, empathy, and naive creativity seemed to not hold its own.

In a world full of bright primary colors and dazzling neon, I did not fit.

Pastel colors do not measure up to that of the royal blues, the vibrant yellows, the hot oranges, and exotic greens. Even that of the eccentric purples and the bubbly pinks take precedent over any pastel color.

I felt I had to work to be seen and always do something to maintain and lessen the distance between loved ones that were so far away.

But if they are truly loved ones the distance shouldn’t dictate anything.

The silence between text messages shouldn’t indicate that of a relationship that is going South.

If there is truly love between two people then love is loyal, honest and lasting.

People are like seasons. Always changing and hopefully always learning too.

Love that is loyal is flexible with this change.

So I may never know the perspective one has of me but perhaps that’s okay.

Maybe this not knowing is a gift because at least I have experienced loyal love in my life.

Maybe I should trust this loyalty.

I know now I never had to be anything more than what naturally was me at the time.

As we’ve grown, love seems to continue, even if it doesn’t feel the same or the silences between text messages seem to grow longer.

Maybe this not knowing what another feels for me, how they see our relationship, or what they think of me can be a gift because I can finally let myself sink into my becoming.

I can let myself connect to the one I’ve continued to run from.

I can now use this not knowing of what’s going on outside and go inside.

This is a place I should have invested in a long time ago. It is a place that has always scared me because it has been so foreign to me for so long. All I ever wanted to do was understand the outside. From this lifelong quest, I have abandoned and sacrificed the one person that carries me through this life.

After nearly three decades, her soul and her joy have been waiting patiently to rise. I must allow this, removing all past hostility, and transition to creating a gentle, kind, and peaceful atmosphere for all good to spread out and exhale for the first time deep within a soul that has waited to exhale too.

So, I will take this not knowing, and the mysteries of the outside world as a gift, as I go deep inside.

Hopefully, loyal love will be there as I emerge periodically from this new lifelong quest, but it will no longer be my lifeline. It will simply be a bonus of what I shall work to create inside.

People have some of the most brilliant minds. They have some of the most wonderful hearts. They can have extraordinary bodies that they walk through life in.

How amazing to move through the Earth as such a complete being!

However, people are not so far removed from their prehistoric ancestors and that of the animal species.

People are unfortunately very good at throwing away all their wonderful, extraordinary brilliance and succumbing to animalistic behavior.

Animals have feelings but they also live in the wild. They must stay in their instincts to survive. Their primal behaviors are what keep them alive. If there is a weak member of the herd or a young one that doesn’t meet the standards for survival they will be left behind. Nothing personal. It’s only survival mode.

People tend to do this too, but not just physically with those around them. They abandon a lot of things for many reasons and unfortunately those around them can take it personally being unaware of the whole story.

They abandon their feelings. People suppress their feelings and what their heart might need. This can happen to survive and keep one moving through other things that may feel more important to them. They may believe feelings will hold them back and that vulnerability is not allowed.

People may suppress their own hearts to get along with others. This is also a way to survive. Another may love them because they only feel or agree with the other.

When the heart is suppressed, the mind takes a hit too. Things like doubt, anxiety, agitation, frustration, confusion, envy and sadness can infect the mind. Any kind of fear and anger that the heart is unable to process will enter the mind.

This becomes an unpleasant space to live in. Toxic thoughts form here. As this continues, unhealthy opinions, judgments, doubts and self-sabotage become the foundation of the inner critic, the voices in our heads that create a harsh inner monologue and potentially a harsh dialogue with those around us.

When we don’t do the work to weed out this toxic thinking and tame the inner critic then our bodies can suffer the consequences.

The body can be susceptible to many physical ailments when not given the proper care it needs to grow, thrive and stay strong. The body is like a delicate flower. It needs light, water and nutrients to reach and sustain its full potential. When the mind and heart are struggling the body becomes neglected. This impacts the whole human system.

From this impacted single system, animal-like tendencies start to rise. This affects the home environment, the community, the city, the state one resides in and can ripple out soon reaching a global scale.

There have been many small and large scale wars in the world’s history due to lack of health resulting in animalistic behavior. An animalistic need to be right instead of caring, an animalistic lack of healthy thinking and a lack of calm. An animalistic anger and misunderstanding. A world of animalistic activity and overstimulation.

The same species that has invented and created so many beautiful and useful things has also been the most destructive, sabotaging a lot of good things and a lot of the good that humans truly can be.

Humans are innately good. Take care of yourself!

When the mind, heart and body are cared for, and doing well, then one can care for others and the community at large.

The most important thing we can do for the world is to take care of our minds, our hearts and our bodies. Then we can inhale our full realized potential as individual human souls and exhale a beautiful peaceful world we all deserve to inhabit.

Healing starts with caring for ourselves. Don’t behave like an animal.

Nurture your brilliant, wonderful, extraordinary human soul.

We all like to know where our lives are going.

There’s a societal need to have a destination and get there quickly.

Landing somewhere brings us a sense of security.

We forget this life is a journey. There’s a process we can’t escape.

When we try to escape the process, this only makes it longer and makes us miserable as we push through the discomfort we tried so hard to avoid.

Life doesn’t have a final destination. There’s only a journey to be lived moment by moment.

One can achieve goals, but one goal should lead to another. This is the kind of growth that we get to experience on the paths we walk.

The key is to be open to it.

The journey is not about winning or getting to a final destination. Like a small bud ready to blossom, we can be open to the growth that comes in our daily experiences.

When we accept this mindset and try a little better day by day then we will be guided to the next right step.

Much like the bud that blossoms one pedal at a time, so do our lives and we can too. As long as we remain open to this gradual unfolding of living, being becomes easier…moment by moment.

Social media isn’t interesting anymore…

It was not that interesting to begin with, but it had an appeal.

It was enticing. It was new at one point.

 It could make one feel connected to their loved ones.

Instant dopamine hit.

Social media is a void. Though not the black and dark kind of void.

Social media is a white hot void. It can seem attractive and cold at the same time.

Instant overstimulation.

It’s deceiving and dangerously alluring.

Upon logging in and opening any social media platform, one may not think they are going to be very long in these apps. It will just be a moment of checking messages, or notifications and connecting with friends. There may be a feeling that inspiration will be gained while scrolling through other’s posts.  

Then before you know it, hours have gone by. Little to no inspiration was acquired besides maybe a slight bit of dopamine, and there is very little feeling of connection to anyone as you look through everyone’s’ posts.

Instead, there’s an odd feeling of loss. A kind of melancholy washes over as you look at a series of wedding photos, followed by a new job post, pregnancy announcements, celebratory posts of children reaching several months of age with cute pictures of the baby on a decorative mat, followed by a post grieving a pet that’s passed away, or someone’s relative that’s passed, followed by an engagement photo and a sappy caption, and another series of wedding photos, and on and on it goes…

Finally, you log off. You exit the platform. You may sit for a moment and notice a tree outside, or the rain. You may hear your dog bark or your neighbor upstairs. It brings you back to reality.

Though there’s that melancholy you were feeling. Why does that still linger though you’ve removed yourself from social media?

Physically, you may have turned it off, but your mind is still playing what you saw. And your heart is busy yearning for that fully lived life that you witnessed in the last two hours. You compare what you feel you have in reality to what seemed to be vibrant and exciting online.

It is easy to forget that what is shared on social media is not a fully lived life. It is not even one life. A post is just one moment in time. It is only a sliver of one’s truly lived experience.

To have a fully lived, vibrant and exciting life one must be present in their current, moment-to-moment reality. One must stay focused in the non-virtual, mundane and ever evolving experiences of their present existence.

How painful and challenging this seems to be. It was probably always painful and challenging, but it has become more so now as we often subconsciously compare ourselves and our lives to what we see on social media as it flashes before us at lightning speed.

Dissociating feels easier than staying in what’s really happening in each moment. Reality can often feel mundane and therefore painful, especially after spending all our time virtually living vicariously through a swarm of photos and captions of other people’s experiences.

Do you want to live through other’s experiences or build your own life, living that which you create to the fullest?

Do you want to swoon over a virtual picture of who someone may be or become a person you can tangibly feel proud of?

Both options take energy, and time. Both options are hard in their own way.

Only one option will give you lasting joy and a sustainable sense of self.

Why waste your time chasing anything else but that?

I have spent many years wondering if people like me.

I’ve wondered and often ached for them to approve of me and the choices I make. I have used up lots of energy and killed lots of time hoping that family and friends love me as deeply as I would like them to, every moment that I need them to.

To achieve this constant and deep type of love, I would survey the relationship.

I’d ask many questions and give extreme scenarios to understand how important my existence was to them. However, I was also living and being in a way I thought was most pleasing to the other, rather than what felt authentic and fulfilling to me.

I was just going through the motions for everyone and trying to stay out of trouble. I stayed out of physical trouble.

Somehow though I managed to get into trouble in other ways. I challenged everyone’s emotions and their feelings about me. This was exasperating to others.

I felt angry and sad, emotionally hungry and desperate.

What did I want?

Validation perhaps. Deep conversation maybe. To be rescued and saved? I don’t know. Maybe. To be deeply understood and completely known? Possibly.

The problem with all of this and perhaps why none of the surveying made me happy was because it was all for someone else. I was seeking someone else’s understanding, validation, love, saving, and perspective of me. Though I didn’t even know myself.

How could I have gotten to know myself through the eyes of someone else?

 I was a blank canvas, and I kept asking the world around me to paint for me. No one was ever able to paint the whole canvas for me.

There were always blank spots. I kept trying to get others to fill those blank spots. Asking constantly, in many ways, “who am I? What am I? Where am I? When am I? Why am I? How am I?”

By asking the outside world these questions and eagerly trying to have others fill the blank spots for me, I was running from the very thing I wanted to be, and do, and needed most. Myself.

Though I didn’t believe myself and I didn’t like myself. Hence the running.

As Glennon Doyle writes in her book Untamed, “Glennon, you are always so desperate to find yourself and ready to abandon yourself.”

I wanted nothing more than to be myself, but I abandoned myself because people mattered more to me than my own existence ever mattered to me.

I was always so desperate to find myself and ready to abandon myself. So, I stayed angry and sad, emotionally hungry, and desperate. There have always been blank spots on my canvas.

Maybe it’s time to get a new canvas and finally become my own painter?

I think that’s the best option, and my only option.

For if I don’t become my own painter, I’ll remain desperate and become guilt-ridden, and obsessive like Lady Macbeth, shouting to myself, “Out, damned spot; out, I say!” for the rest of my natural life while I keep trying to get others to fill the blank spots.

How sad? What a waste of energy? Don’t keep wasting your life away.

It’s time to pick up the brush.

Just think, how exciting! You get to use whatever damn color you want. And the only person’s opinion, validation, approval, and perspective that matters in this process, is yours.