You sit with me. You verbally confirm that you’re listening to me. I see your eyes looking at me and I feel safe to share what I want with you. As I talk I notice you have your phone in your hands. Your focus shifts and I lose eye contact with you. I stop sharing and focus on the relationship you seem to have with your device. Though you’re sitting in front of me I feel a gap form between us. The connection is lost. We float in different bubbles now.
The desire to share keeps me bolted to my seat, but I watch you playing on your phone as though I had never tried to speak and my mind wanders. Is there something more important you needed to do than be here with me? If so, why did we agree to meet? I hope I’m not boring. I hope you didn’t agree to spend time with me because you were afraid to hurt my feelings. If that’s the reason then you clearly don’t know what hurts my feelings. The connection is lost with us. I wish your cell connection was lost too. Look at me…please.
“Keep talking. I’m listening.” You say, eyes glued to your phone.
“NO YOU’RE NOT!!” I yell internally. I want to scream and tell you how far away I feel from you when you look at your phone. I wanted to talk to YOU, not to the air. I wanted to be heard by you. I wanted to be SEEN by you and not just with your eyes. When you hear me I feel seen. Look at me, PLEASE! But you won’t and I don’t want to make you. What makes me feel seen, and heard most of all is when you naturally, and effortlessly WANT to be present with me. I understand your agenda is important. I understand you have worries, and doubts, and insecurities. I understand the world moves quickly and you feel you must move quickly too, but when you look me in the eye or send me a message that says “I’ll be there”, and you aren’t present in the moment you said you would be present for then that hurts. Decide what is more important to you. Your cellular device that has no soul, or breath, except the batteries that give it life or me…a person who lives and moves and breathes and thinks for herself. What is more interesting to you? A programable device that is addicting every time it rings or a friend that can leave on her own accord…that’s what I want to tell you, but instead I say…
“That’s okay. I can wait.”
So I wait for you and I wait for you. Finally, your eyes meet mine again and your phone…is still in your hand or next to you. The connection is lost. The relationship with your phone lingers. We float in separate bubbles.
There’s a hint of sadness I feel when I notice a sense of relief that we’re apart. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to share with you and include you in my world, but you lost your privilege. You led me on and made me feel like you cared. You acted like you cared for years, but what was it for? We float in separate bubbles and that’s okay.
I’m indifferent to the past. I no longer crave to have you validate my existence. I don’t live for you. I live for my Divine Parent. I live for myself and for all those that appreciate how I show up. I can’t move through the world how you want me to. I can only move through the the world the way I need to. I like my bubble and the only one that guides it is the gentle breath of the Divine.
You used to hold so much power over me and I wanted to please you so badly that my bubble would burst almost every second, but I’m stabilizing myself. With the calm beauty of Galinda the Good Witch and the steadfast strength of Elphaba the Wicked Witch I summon my bubble and float down my intended path.
Come with me…if you want, but I’m not going to wait for you if you’re not willing to be present with me.