I’m sorry…this is my coping mechanism. It’s the safest way I can vent sometimes. I’m always afraid that someone out there will yell at me for even expressing one thought. I’m always afraid that someone will come after me, and confront me when all I was trying to do was be myself.
You seek me out. You confront me and I feel like I’ve been smacked in the face. You bark at me redundantly that you want your freedom. You tell me you want to live your life and be a free spirit. Let me tell you something…so does every human on Earth!!
And here’s another thing…you’re never going to feel free. There is nothing about adulthood that allows for a person to be a free spirit 24 hours a day. The rules apply to you, just like they apply to me, and your siblings, and your parents, and everyone that has been given the gift of life. You are not exempt. You are entitled to your feels, and that these rules might be annoying, but no matter how you feel about them you must follow them. This is not only for YOUR safety, but for the safety of OTHERS. These rules bring order to the world, and they try to allow for some semblance of function among people.
I hope you’re aware, to some degree, that there are more people in the world than just you. If you really don’t know, then you’ll find out one day. It will hit you like a ton of bricks that you are not alone, you are not the only one struggling, and your feels (though they are valid) are not unique to you. Life is NOT about YOU!
I understand wanting control. I like to feel in control of my life and my emotions. I like to have all my belongings in one space so I don’t lose them, but sometimes, most of the time, I’m not in control. When you’re an adult this is how life works sometimes. You have to let your guard down. It doesn’t make you weak to listen, obey, and even be vulnerable. By letting your guard down you allow people to trust you. I urge you to try this. If you can’t do this. Then I don’t know if I can trust you.
I miss when we were kids. You were buoyant and so much fun. I would laugh until I cried. You were the only person that could make me laugh that hard. I would laugh with others, but not nearly as freely as I did with you. I know that you can still be fun, but it doesn’t feel quite as natural. It’s hard to breathe when I’m with you. It’s hard to breathe when I’m with most people because I conditioned myself to lock up due to fear, anxiety and a slew of other emotions. However, you are someone I find very hard to feel comfortable taking a breath in front of.
I’m afraid that if I allow my body air and what it naturally needs that you’re going to bark at me…like Hitler. I’ll be sitting in my confined room, just trying to survive in this concentration camp and you bang on my door, as you shout, “HEY! Who said you could breathe? I never said you could breathe. I never said you could laugh, or cry, or breathe.”
What’s a person to do with that? Do you think after such an order anyone would feel comfortable living freely as themselves? I certainly don’t. Your eyes are like hot daggers. Not only do they draw blood, but I have burn marks on my heart too.
Perhaps I’ll get stronger by the way you currently treat me, but it’s been almost a decade. I feel weaker than I did. I don’t know what to say to you anymore. There is nothing I can say to you that will be satisfying to you. You dish out orders to everyone you come in contact with, but you forget that there’s an order to life too.
I’ll be interested to see you get your first job. You want to work so badly. Work comes with regulations you must follow. If your boss came to you one day and told you that you made a mistake what would you do? If your boss gave you feedback on ways to improve? Would you take it like champ, and gracefully accept what he said? Or would you throw a fit, screaming expletives through the office and accusing him of ruining your job? Prepare to get fired. You want to be trusted? You want to be accepted at work? You want to keep your job? Then wake up, and notice those that can say, “Yes, sir. Thank you. I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time. I’m sorry for miscommunication.” Then, I urgue you to see what happens next? Do those people get to keep their job? Is your boss going to be forgiving?
Humility, love, compassion, vulnerability, an open heart, gratitude, kindness, gentleness, and a mellow sense of joy. These are all good qualities and ones that you are capable of expressing. These are all qualities that will make you look good to the world around you. They will win you big brownie points, and gold stars. People will feel safe when they talk to you, or ask you to do something. This is how you can keep your job. This is also how you can keep your friends and your family close by.
All I can do right now is hope that one day you learn on your own time. For now I’ll keep my distance from you. Besides, I’ve got my own life to live. I don’t have time to feel like dirt anymore. I can’t keep getting backed up into a corner, or slammed into the detention room of my own despair and your harsh judgment. As Thumper, from Bambi said, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” It’s time to unclench.