Sometimes I fall down. Sometimes my spirit gets kicked to the curb by incessant thoughts. I’ve been learning the source of these incessant, hurtful thoughts. I shall tell you a story that will expose the culprit once and for all.
Fear talking through the Monkey Mind tries to rule the system.
“Look at how well they bottle their emotions and continue on their day. Too bad you can’t do that.” The Monkey Mind says to the Heart.
The Monkey Mind prattles on, “You really suck at feeding yourself and getting the right nutrition. You’re never going to be adult enough to function on your own and have the life that you want. You’ll amount to nothing, or maybe you already have become nothing. You will forever be paralyzed, over emotional, and sickened by the body.”
The Monkey Mind fucks with the Heart and Body so much that each part feels as though they’ve been hit by a taser. Feeling stunned by years of Monkey Mind chatter each part sits on the ground trying to single-handedly regain some semblance of strength, but instead they just sit wondering why they hurt so much.
One day after years of feeling kicked around Heart looks up at the ceiling of her room from the flat of her back. “Body?” She says.
Body tries to sit up, but she feels herself about to cry so she stays on her back. “What is it, Heart?”
“How long have we felt like this?” Heart asks.
“I don’t know…it’s getting hard to remember when all this started, but all I know is I can’t live like this anymore.”
“Yeah, I can’t live like this either. I think I know someone else who can’t live like this” Heart says
“Who?” Body asks
Through the crack in the ceiling of her room she can see Mind getting pushed around my Fear.
“Please let me go!” Mind begs. “I don’t want to hurt them anymore. I have to be an ally with them.”
Fear pushes Mind against the wall, “NO! You need to show them who’s in charge.”
“But I’m not in charge. You’re in charge.” Mind says innocently
Fear smacks Mind across the face, “Don’t you talk back to me! Now be a good little monkey and take your position. And Mind, put these on please!” Fear hands him a headband with monkey ears on it. Mind miserably takes his position in front of a big curtain while Fear hides behind it.
Heart watched all this through the crack in her ceiling.
“Heart! Who else feels like us? Who do you think can’t live like this anymore?” Body asks
“Mind!” Heart says. She watches Mind puff himself up reluctantly.
“What?” Body says, “That doesn’t make sense.”
“Mind is in an abusive relationship with Fear! I just watched it all happen!” Heart says.
“You did?”
“Here I’ll send you a video.” Heart says, as she takes out her phone.
Body watches in astonishment, “Oh my gosh! I had no idea!”
“Neither did!” Heart says, “Fear has turned Mind into something he’s not! We have to go upstairs!”
Heart and Body slowly get themselves to a standing position. They stumble upstairs and enter Mind’s room.
Monkey Mind puffs himself up and says boastfully, “What are you doing here?”
Heart and Body limp forward. Heart leans on her crutch and Body is doubled over.
Monkey Mind chortles, “You guys look like trash! Garbage isn’t welcome here. Why don’t you see yourselves out and make your way to the nearest dump. See, I told you that you’d amount to nothing! You have lived up to that standard quite well. Can’t feed yourself, or take care of yourself in any way.”
Body begins to cry and collapses to the floor.
“And there’s that excess of emotion.” Monkey Mind continues, “What a baby you’ve become. You will always be dysfunctional. Remember how hard school was for you because you could never be a stellar academic? You are still that stupid. You can’t be stellar at anything. You will never be what…”
Heart erupts with a lioness roar, “FREAKING SHUT UP!” She throws her crutch on the floor. “THAT’S ENOUGH!” She stomps over to the curtain and intensely pushes it open. Like nails on a chalkboard the rings holding the curtain up tear over the curtain rod almost shredding the metal. Heart firmly grabs Fear by the arm and pulls him out of his hideaway.
Fear looks around for a moment wide-eyed, but quickly puts on a persona of anger, “You almost broke my curtain! I paid good money for that!”
Body begins to laugh. She repeats, “Almost broke my curtain!” She laughs even harder, “Almost broke my curtain! He paid good money for that!” Tears drip from her eyes. Body rolling on the floor laughing says, “He paid good money…for a…freaking piece…haha of FABRIC! A-HAHAHA!” Body is lost in laughter.
Heart turns to Fear, “Yeah, how much did you pay for that freaking curtain, you big phony? I didn’t ‘almost’ break squat, ok? Maybe your ego, but you had it coming! You can get another stinking curtain, ok?”
Fear inhales in offense.
Body wipes the tears away, stretches, and stands, “Oh, I needed that!” She walks over to Fear, “Thank you so much for saying the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard since the beginning of time! You’re such a fake!”
Mind in great relief takes off the monkey ears and takes a deep breath.
Heart invades Fear’s space backing him up to the wall as she talks, “Let me tell you something, buddy! I don’t know what possessed you to bully Mind and take over this system, but your time is up. I am a fully intact, highly functioning heart that knows exactly what I need when I need it.”
Fear’s back hits the wall. He swallows hard.
Body pipes up, “Yeah! You know, I actually know how to eat well and how to function. I’ve never really been broken, but the disrespect you showed me was pretty convincing. I was actually born to breathe fully and without shame, but the shit you put in my head forced me to make myself small for others. It made my stomach turn, and every part of me ache. I was hurting so much that some days I didn’t want to live anymore. In fact, you convinced me that the hurt I felt was living, but really I was dying. What a nice performance you gave, but it’s time to exit the stage now.”
Mind boldly steps forward, “I’d like you to clean up your stuff and leave.”
Fear holds his breath for a moment, but then laughs. He claps sarcastically as he steps forward from the wall. “Well done! All of you. That was the best performance I’ve seen from all of you, but it wasn’t good enough. You have proven your incompetence that you think you can function without me. I’m the only one that knows what’s best for you.”
The lioness roar erupts from Heart again, “NO! I’M THE ONLY ONE that knows what’s best for MY FAMILY, YOU FUCKING DICTATOR!”
Fear is frozen. He struggles to not show any emotion, but depression, rage, and anxiety all try to come up. Fear fights to keep them away.
Heart takes a deep breath and says calmly, “You don’t have to admit that you’re afraid, but understand that Body, Mind, and I will never break. No matter how hard you try to fight, no matter how many times we get kicked to the curb you will not win. You can’t ever win because you don’t belong in this system. My family will not be a victim to your cowardice anymore.”
Fear exits.
Perhaps it will return, but I continuously keep learning how to push through. More and more I learn to unmask the lies of being dysfunctional. It’s a constant game of “Which Thing Doesn’t Belong in the System”. My insides shuffle around until they regain strength and expose fear once again.
It’s a game show hosted by fear. Fear announces, “It’s time to play ‘Are You More Dysfunctional Than Your Peers!'” I used to break at this and feel like it was true, but I’ve learned how to say ‘no’ and now I can take a stand even more. I own myself. I know myself. The outside world hosted by fear may talk a lot of shit about what they think they know about me, or how I should be, but like a queen lion I can stand on my rock and roar. Fear is no longer allowed to break me.
Don’t let fear break you!