I’ve been alive…I’ve gone through motions of what is considered living. Though I have not lived.
I’ve often been frustrated and very depressed by this notion of not truly living. I have felt as though I have not had a life. I have felt this way for many years.
Others share that they got a job, or are having another child, or that they are engaged, getting married, or bought a house. Some share that someone helped them pay off their student debt, or that they got a dog, or are celebrating six years at the same company. And I can’t help but feel that I’m doing everything wrong, or not doing something I should be, or my existence is just wrong, and that I have no life.
But somehow, I’m living… I mean I am alive after all. Therefore, my existence must count for something? So, I may not have the life I wanted to be living but I have a life.
This nomadic path I’ve been riding the last eight years was something I did not choose. It just happened. I have often been angry with my existence. And frustrated by how rocky and isolating and out of my control the last several years have felt as a homebody-turned-nomad.
As years have gone by and much of my accomplishments have felt sporadic and uneventful. The anger grew with the passing years. My heart had sunk to the pit of my stomach long ago and my soul has no flame left. Only an occasional spark that has died out often.
Though this road has felt rough and it’s often not been what I thought I wanted. There has been a Quiet Presence protecting me. I have fought with this Quiet Presence daily. I have often felt too challenged to hear it, as it has seemed too quiet for my liking.
One day in the face of what felt like another defeat, I surrendered. Depleted, I dropped my frustration. Sadness was welling up too. Though it quickly turned to that of wonder. Curiosity arose. Realizations of life lessons began to come out of the woodwork. Then the idea of home came to mind.
How long must I beg, plead, scrape, claw and ache for home? I thought, I want a home that can be all mine. A place that I can make all my own, and I won’t have to share it with anyone? It’ll just be my space. How long must I wait for that?
It was quiet for a long time.
In the quiet, I considered the lessons I’ve learned and the growth that has come only from uncomfortable moments. I realized the growth that is continuing and how each uncomfortable moment pushes me forward, whether I have chosen to be there or not.
Then a still, small voice said, “What if…” I held my breath as this small voice revealed itself like the warm breeze, “what if all of this is about learning to feel at home in yourself? Nothing you desire is really going to feel that great if you don’t feel at home in yourself first, right? This journey is all about coming home. Keep going.”
So here I am. Though my heart may be sunk at the moment, my soul unable to keep the fire burning and the rocks still under my feet, I sojourn on this path.
I must trust that the Quiet Presence that has protected me all this time will continue to guide me, no matter where I end up. Feelings may come but it is part of the ride. It’s all about coming home. It’s all about feeling at home in my own skin.
We are all on our own paths learning to be at home in our own skin. No conditions should be made. Only love in. Only gratitude for each breath. Only living in each moment. Just keep going…