For decades I have been searching the corners of my mind and looking through every outside source to figure out how to make all the pieces of my life work in such a way that would be pleasing to the rest of the world. I have tried to do this with myself too. How do I become someone that everyone wants? How can I make my heart beat in such a way that others will understand? How can I make my body move at a pace that is in rhythm with the pace of the world and that looks stunning at the same time? Is there a way to avoid looking clunky, awkward and strange? How can I get all of the important adult tasks done and still allow my soul to breathe? How do I let my soul have it’s time to express itself while so many other things are calling for my attention?
The world gave me an answer to the latter a long time ago. The answer was “It cannot be done.” It is impossible to do all the creative things and practice adulthood at the same time. The world seemed to scream at me, “It’s all or nothing!” So, my soul just burrowed under a pile of unfinished stories, half painted drawings, and many burned hopes. It was dark, cold, and full of ashes. My soul lives there still.
I continue to search and research, and dig to find out how to fit into the lightning speed of the world? How do I make myself operate the way so many have asked me to operate or the way I’ve observed so many operating?
It’s hard to tell if my life is really mine. Is my life mine? Or does my life belong to the world to manipulate it and me forever and always?
The moment you open your mouth to tell me who I should be, how I should be, offer a suggestion, a well-intention piece of advice or any other comment regarding me and my life, I have already thought it through. I have felt all the nuances of the possibilities and felt my way into each situation. I have mentally scoured and researched all the various ways to get the thing I need, create something in an affordable way, make something happen, feel better about myself in the world or what have you. I am living the life I must breathe into and walk through the best I can. And I’m doing it every day. So please, world, either take time to see me or give me space. Dear world, you have to fucking slow down because people’s minds are close to bursting. People’s hearts and bodies are begging for love and attention. And people’s souls are slowly dying.
For decades people’s souls have begged and died for freedom. When will my soul fly free? When will we all get to feel like free souls? Inquiring minds want to know. Exhausted bodies want to be tenderly cared for. Desperate hearts want to feel into themselves and just be.
“But it’s dark down here”, My soul observes, “Alive, alive, alive! I just want to feel alive, rested and well…but here I sit in this cold place. There’s no one to care for me, except myself. The world sends out so many mixed messages that it’s hard to filter through them on your own. It’s hard to let the things people say roll off your back the way water rolls off the back of a duck. It’s hard to release and let yourself be completely in a world that has so many opinions, judgments, and unhealed heartbreaks of their own. Somehow there is not enough time in the day to come together and let each other be. It’s no mystery why many are always apologizing for what they do, and others are going insane. And before you open your mouth to say, “Yeah, that’s tough.” or “Well, that’s life.” or “Welcome to the world.” or “Yeah, well, it’s a cold world out there.” I implore you to just think about it. Sit with yourself. What about yourself needs healing or improvement? What about yourself or in your life do you need help with? Have you ever asked for help? Have you ever asked for help but felt like a burden to the other the whole time they were offering their help? Have you ever wanted to ask for help but felt too embarrassed to ask, so you never did? How many times was that successful? Did you feel good after doing it yourself? Or were you just tired as you thought about how nice it would be to have someone support you in the endeavor? Just think about it…” My soul waits patiently for attention.
Our souls wait on the edge of their cold cages, but healing needs to happen individually first. Sit with it. A little healing for one person brings healing and redemption to mankind.