I feel myself diminish in front of you.
My heart sinks deeper into my chest until it evaporates. My body automatically feels weak from years of hiding. My mind frantically searches for something to hold on to, but there’s nothing. The mind stands on a piece of wood floating in an abyss.
“Sorry, Heart, I tried. I really did.” Mind says, “I searched high and low for an answer, but my foot got wet, and then my other foot got wet, and then…you know, we took on too much water. I couldn’t manage it on my own. I’m so sorry!”
Heart fading fast, gently says, “It’s okay… I know you tried.”
You pick and accuse with such force it’s hard to look away. It’s hard not to feel what comes at me. It’s hard not to get stung by just a drop of the venom you violently spray at me, but I do. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of you. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of standing my ground.
I’ve grown, and grown. I’ve gotten better with each passing year, but somehow none of that seems to matter when you enter a room. My body tenses. I’m automatically uncomfortable. For as long as you’re in the room I hold my breath. I don’t actually care to be heard. I don’t care if I’m invisible. I’ll take invisibility, instead of feeling like shattered glass.
Your words cut into me. My emotions become pliable and easily manipulated. I guess, the tables have turned. Once you were cute, and small. Everyone thought you were so cute that you were their doll. Now, I am your doll. I am putty in your hands.
I know your anger is not who you are. I know the way you show up in an unhealthy state is not who you are, but it still hurts. It doesn’t look good on you. I know that somewhere under that rough exterior is someone who is gentle, kind, compassionate, and full of love.
However, I don’t see it right now. I know it’s there, but I’ve been hurt, mistrusted, and unraveled by you too many times. This makes it hard to see your innate truth. This makes it hard to feel my innate truth and not feel shaken.
I’m working on aligning my parts so that I can show up wherever I go with pride. I’m working on loving myself, and everyone around me. By doing this work no one will be able to make or break me. Doing this work has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The difficulty of it has followed me everywhere.
“Inferiority” will no longer feel like my middle name by the time this work has taken off. My greatest wish is to be gracefully and unapologetically authentic. This profound authenticity will diminish any sense of ego that tries to attack me, or that wants to claim itself as part of my being. I will not care if you do or do not love me because the bond that I will form with myself, and The Divine will be unbreakable. Like Christ Jesus walking on the water I will walk through this life with my head and heart up. You will not hurt me. My emotions will be untouchable. I will make peace with myself, and with you. I encourage you to do this work for yourself.
I look forward to breaking bread with you one day, but for now…one step at a time.