Stuck in a Box

Stuck in a box. I’ve always been stuck in a box.

Feet throb from hitting the ground running. Head pulses from an excess of emotion and a whirl of activity. Heart and soul wrestle each other and fight against the outer world. Then they dive inward and fight some more creating a cycle of perpetual exhaustion and longing.

Stuck in a box. I’ve always been stuck in a box.

My box floats down an ocean. Sailors, fishermen, and those in their boats out for a joyride, see my box floating by and have no idea there’s a living, breathing person inside. In my dark, square container that wanders out at sea a vast range of emotions fill every corner. The walls are splatter painted with all my colors, doodles of stories, notes to remember, things to say, hopes and dreams that I long to share once I’m no longer lost at sea, but no one knows all that’s inside the box. All they see is a box floating on the water.

No one will know what’s inside until they open it. Some have been brave souls and opened the box. So though I may retreat inward most days, they know what’s inside. Most, however, don’t know what’s inside and don’t care to open the box. So I must open my own box and step out. Aside from the brave souls no one will know the immense challenge it is for me to step out of my box.

Those that have opened it know how cozy I can get in my little corner. I curl up like a mouse in a dark hole and observe my insides. I nurse every emotion and thought. I observe the outside and pretend I’m living in it while remaining in my box. Sometimes my box is a place of renewal and sanctuary. I need that introverted time to process the world and who I am. Although, sometimes my box becomes a pit of despair that drags me into the darkest parts of myself, turning me into a harsh storm with raging thunder clouds and floods of rain.

Those that open my box during those moments, to lovingly see through the storm, are the brave souls I am very grateful and honored to call friends and family! Each of you are precious treasures that are brighter than gold. I’m in awe of your unconditional love.

Those that are not brave souls who care to open the box, that’s fine. You don’t have to. You can just stand on the side lines and watch me open my box, step out, and share my wild creations with you.

I’ve built my box out of many materials. It started out as a cardboard box. That sunk slowly to the bottom of the ocean. Glass cracked too easily and cut those I loved. For that I’m sorry. Wood kept splintering on the inside.

Now, my box is made of several materials. I’m not sure of what, but I know it has a strong base and sits on dry land. It’s clear so the sunlight can come in and I’m no longer invisible, but I can draw the blinds when I need to, and it’s not heavy, so it can be easily opened.

Perhaps, one day, I won’t need a box at all, but for now my isolation is what helps me create, it helps me maintain myself, and love the world without fear. So I need my box, but I’m not stuck and I’m no longer lost at sea.

But, sometimes, it happens. So I’m grateful for my dear golden treasures that bring me back and ground me once again. Stay golden!