This blog has been a way to share my thoughts. It has been a tool to practice writing. This blog has allowed me to share my writing, as it is, raw and unfiltered.

However, I find that I filter myself all the time. I find that I want to open my mind and show you what’s inside, but I stop myself. What if it’s not good enough? What if no one wants to read it, hear it, see it, or worse? What if they do read it and they do see it, but it’s not enough? This whole world has been obsessed with “biggering”, expanding, bettering and polishing all that is around them. What if they can’t handle my rough edges, and my unpolished ways? Of course, I want to put out good work. But sometimes what qualifies as “good” isn’t going to be perfect. Often that seems to not be okay with most people.

From a young age, I was always trying to subdue myself. If I was subdued and well-behaved then I wouldn’t make a mistake. Therefore no one would have any criticism for me. Which meant I was acting as expected. Although, as it turns out no matter how quiet, how good, how nice, or how perfect you try to be, someone always has something to say about it. So I was always licking my wounds and dragging myself through life apologizing for breathing, for being. Then when I was alone I would let my anger out. I would look in the mirror and see all the unpolished parts of myself. It seemed that all of me was unpolished and weak. Therefore I was not impressive. Being rough around the edges, exposed, vulnerable was not impressive. Trying to figure yourself out was not impressive. So I spent years wondering why I couldn’t figure myself out and just be impressive already!

I wasted so much time being sad and angry. I held in too much and wasted precious energy. I battled with this idea of being impressive and I begged for inspiration. Inspiration kept me a float every once in a while. However, it did not sustain me. I fell into a dark spiral that lasted too long.

It’s too bad that the world outside us, and our own imaginations, convince us that we are too much, or not enough. They convince us that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not cool enough, not pretty enough, and the list goes on. For the most part it seems we fight with invisible standards. They are high and lofty standards, but they are not always visible.

I don’t remember anyone coming up to me and telling me that I must apologize for being myself. However, when several people, or even one person several times points out something you did wrong with a sense of authority, then it is hard to ignore that. Especially as a young child. While some might be able to ignore the authoritative criticism. Others take that criticism as a sign that they are wrong. They mesh behavior and existence together. They confuse making a mistake with simply existing.

I have decided and come to the gradual conclusion that there is no way my existence can me wrong. Being can’t be wrong. If existence was wrong then trees would die. Flowers would never grow. Nature, as we know it, would have faded a long time ago. So if nature can take up space with such simple beauty than why can’t we? We don’t have to apologize, filter ourselves, or suppress who we are. Now, of course, there is a way to be tactful and nice when in communication with someone. We can be controlled without suppressing ourselves. As the saying goes “there is a time and place” for certain things and certain forms of expression. But our being is impressive. I have realized that I don’t have to try to be impressive. I just have to try every day because I am here. I am being!

This is my place to let my guard down and write the way I have always wanted to write. This is my place to be. The page is my ever-loving canvas. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it. But I will always be writing. It allows me to breathe unapologetically. And I love anyone who supports such a beautiful thing as breathing unencumbered.

Published by fosteringcreation

I'm a writer, performer, and creative person. This is my official blog, and I hope that it inspires others!

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