New Year’s Realization

I have never really been an actor. But I thought I wanted to be one for over a decade because masking your whole life is like acting.

I have never really liked acting, but I loved characters.

I have never really liked acting. But I also didn’t want to take a backstage role. Actors get the applause. The backstage crew get a quick acknowledgment and then it’s curtain.

I wanted to be part of the story. I wanted to craft the story. And I wanted to be acknowledged for the stories I crafted.

So I will craft a story. I will craft multiple stories. And I will tell the truth. I will write from what I observe. I will write from my own experiences. I will write from the deepest part of my heart. And I will share as truthful a story as I can. The truth might make some upset. The truth might make some very sad. Feeling their feelings might make some very uncomfortable. But that means I wrote my story well. I did my job.

I intend to speak through the page, as that is all I’ve been truly able to do. Some channel their emotional energy through exercise. They bang out multiple sit-ups and several pull-ups. Then they think they have conquered both the exercise and their emotions all in one go. But sometimes your emotions don’t need conquering, the way a hero saves the day for the townspeople. Sometimes your emotions need you to sit with them for an uncomfortably long time until you can hear your heart beat. Once you hear your heart beat then you can feel your emotions. Once you feel them you can begin to work through them. Like grieving for a loved one who has passed, it is a process. The timeframe of this process is very individual.

That is why the reading of stories, the listening to music, the observance of dance, performances, sculptures, and all art helps the individual with whatever emotional process they are currently working through. Art is not just for entertainment. Art assists the individual by giving them a beautiful but perhaps painful look at an aspect of life they can relate to. From the relating they are a little less scared and alone in the wilderness of their feelings. Then the individual feels connected to their fellow human being. Connected in being.

That is what I have been chasing my whole life. It is an exciting ride, the artist’s journey! The individual needs to observe the art to feel their feelings and embrace their humanity. The artist needs to create the art to release their feelings and to make their humanity known. The individual and artist have different processes but they have a common thread, connection in being.

After years of lying to myself and to others, the game is over. I’ve been found out. After years of taking a backseat in my life and within my family, I’m afraid I cannot do it anymore. I’m not an actor, nor am I a social butterfly. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be animated and full of energy. It doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. I’ve got energy and I have lot to say. It just comes in a different form. What you think I might lack in these areas when you see me in person. I make up for in my writing. Not because I have to prove myself, but because that is just who I am.

I am the kind of butterfly that will observe the way the sun trickles through the blinds. And then write of how beautiful it was as it caressed the wall and danced across the floor. I am the kind of butterfly that will observe the way your lips move as you talk to me. I will observe the way your eyes ignite in a fiery rage as you unleash your bottled up emotions towards me. And then write of how I saw your heart sink, though your fists were clenched, and your words were biting. You did not mean it. The anger was just a cover up for your broken heart. Then through my writing though I might not write it explicitly, you feel urged to take a look at your broken heart. Give it a kiss. Give it a good hug. Then look at yourself. Give yourself a kiss and hug. Take a big breath. Then keep on keeping on.

While you do that I will be working on my next story. I will be observing more of the world. And then loving it through my writing. I will be doing my own self-improvement work through the art that I do. We are all humans. I’m not perfect. I don’t have much figured out, but now I know I’m not an actor. I’m a writer.

And now, you, dear reader, know that I’m not an actor. I’m a writer. And like I said…I intend to write the truth. From now on…regardless of how it makes you feel…

Published by fosteringcreation

I'm a writer, performer, and creative person. This is my official website. I hope it inspires others!

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