Heartache. Heartbreak. Among my hungry, tired body, and my fading mind theres my heart.
My heart that is equally exhausted, but somehow forever full of emotion. While the body and mind longs for rest, the heart longs for a past time.
Human voices from those that shared loved, and love that helped the soul feel nurtured. The heart aches for those times. For the people that were always just a building away.
From childhood days to college times friends were there to walk with you, talk with you, sit with you, and everyone could support each other.
When I was too exhausted to follow through with the day someone was there to push me along, or sit with me while we both took a breath.
Heartbreaks that I have no idea what’s to happen. Will I see anyone again? Will phone calls come back?
While people are busy mending, working, and living out there days, my heart ebbs and flows. My heart dips into the tide of nostalgia. It contracts with the rest of the world, but it also aches, and reaches with every last ounce of energy it has towards the world.
I know we shall all come together again, and perhaps even stronger than before. I know that we have already come together and learned many things. But, oh, how I miss so many things about the world before we all wore masks, before we retreated into our homes, and before we retreated into ourselves. I miss so many things about the world before I graduated from college, before I earned a degree, and before I fell in love with the idea of college.
I wish I had taken advantage of the life that was happening around me. I did what I had to do in the moment, but often when I look back I miss a lot because I feel I missed out on a lot. I missed being energized. I missed being involved. I missed being confident. I missed being alive inside and sharing it all with you. I missed having a heart full of love for myself and others. I missed being courageous. I missed being open. I missed creating and collaborating with abandon, and detaching from the need to always know what someone was thinking about me.
But, again, I know I did what I had to do in the moment. It was the journey I had to take and the journey continues. I just wish my heart would stop aching. I wish my heart would stop breaking for a past life. I wish my heart, mind, and body could all come together and stop craving for a sign of life that no longer is here.
But most of all I wish I could feel rested and alive in the moment that is happening now.