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Standing…

Standing alone while the world speeds by. Standing alone while the world rushes passed. The world races around and flits, and floats. The world, people, drive and move. They trudge along, and push through. They talk at 50 miles an hour and type even faster. They go, they move, and they don’t stop moving. They know things, and see things, and say things. They go, and they go, and they go. I stand still.

I can’t process my own thoughts. There’s too much noise around me. So I block out the noise with music that sounds pleasant in the moment, but the noise grows. Now there is noise outside, around me, and inside me.

I can’t digest my feelings. There’s too much feeling around me. So I try to help someone else because it seems like there’s not enough time for my feelings. I’m nervous that if I try to understand my feelings, or let them out a little then more chaos would be brought to the world. I don’t want to be the cause of an eruption of chaos or discomfort. So I get up and show someone I’m here. I grab some chocolate and head out to the races of the world. Then it gets too hard. I suck on a lolly pop to pacify my growing feelings and watch TV until my body shuts down for the night. Now there is feeling happening outside, around me, and inside me.

I wake up…eventually. Then I rise and through the blur of social media I enter into another day.

Standing…alone. Standing alone while the world seems to continue spinning. I am lost. I do not know the world, but I watch it flash by each day. I am lost. Disconnected from the world and out of touch with myself. I do not know what I mean when I say, “myself”. Who am I? How can I be so out of touch? How can I feel so lost while still seeing the world around me? Why has this strange and uncomfortable feeling of feeling disconnected from everything become something that is so familiar to me? Frustration, disappointment, and outrageously annoying do not begin to describe how it feels, this familiar feeling of disconnection.

Holidays come and go, but I still feel lost. The bright stories that play on the TV screen become temporary nourishment for my twisted stomach, my buzzing head, and my weary heart. I fit right into the world, the one that has no idea what the other feels, and I melt into the TV. While I watch the sparkling stories that someone else wrote I can forget about myself. I don’t even have to know what “myself” means. I can just watch a made up life on a screen, but when it’s over I turn quickly to social media. Then it all comes back. The world that rushes by, and moves too fast for me to process my own thoughts, and digest my own feelings. The world that makes me feel so very, very lost.

Home. I want to go home. I want to feel at home. When? When will I be able to come home? When will I be able to really feel at home? When will thought become clear, and grounded? When will feeling become steady, and aligned with everything?

Though I stand alone among a world of chaos I hope one day I won’t feel alone because head, heart, and body will come home. I will be home.

But…I’m not home yet…