Oh, to be rescued! How inviting it seems. To be rescued is a child’s dream, an adolescent desire that was created by Disney, Pixar, and classic fictional stories.
It was a great comfort for many years until I had to grow up and face the world. The world that seemed to yell, “Just help yourself!”, “Do it yourself!”, “Put your big girl panties on and grow up!”, “Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it!”
That same world also gently said, “We all need each other”, “That’s what friends are for”, “I’m here for you”, but they also said, “I need space”, “We’re not that close”, “Well, that’s life.”
Oh, how conflicted my child heart and adult mind have felt for years. It’s been hard to put the mixed messages together. I grew up dreaming of deep bonds and connection with friends and dreaming of that a strong man, who went by the name of Prince Charming. Those were wonderful things to think about. Life felt full and rich, but many years of reality slamming itself in my face has been painful.
As I wrestled with the reality that there’s no one on planet Earth that can rescue me, and there’s no such thing as Prince Charming I was forced to question my identity.
What’s so great about being an adult? Who am I as a woman without Prince Charming? Why do I have to save myself? It’s too fucking hard! It’s boring. I don’t want to love myself enough to jump into a pile of mud and rescue my own heart and soul. NO! I’m not strong enough. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it.
I wanted someone else to love me so intensely that they would jump into a pile of mud and save me. But…now I see there’s no man strong enough to whisk me away to freedom. I will never be free until I choose to be free, until I understand what true love feels like with the being I am right now, until I find emotional balance, and a grounded sense of alignment in myself. It may take a lifetime to achieve this but that’s fine. The length of time doesn’t matter because I’m beating my own drum. I’m moving at my own pace. I’m going to get there whenever I get there. ME and no one else.
90% of the time it may suck, but then there’s that 10% that shines like a light in the dark. There’s that 10% that feels amazing because I did it by myself, and I did it FOR MYSELF! So to have Prince Charming would be great, but I don’t need him! He’d only get in my way, and perhaps he might make me feel weak. I’m had enough of feeling weak on my own. I don’t need anyone else raining on my parade!
To have someone love me intensely and deeply might be cool for a while, but how long would it last? Would it even feel real? Probably not.
The only love I need is love of myself, for myself.
Some days it may seem totally out of reach, but the only thing that’s out of my reach is expecting someone else to be my everything. I’m all I need and that is enough.
I am enough.